fighting v. wearing princess costumes
I had stopped blogging for a while, because the status quo as I last described it hasn't changed much. However, I decided that it is just to important to stop.
The trigger for me to return to blogging about my son, and how he resolves his gender dissatisfaction, was a new book that came out, called growing with my child, or some such, by Mimi Lemay. I didn't even read the book, just and excerpt, but I sure debated about it on facebook.
It seems that books or articles such as these are coming out these days a dime a dozen; and they all sing the same tune: A child who wants to be the opposite sex actually is the opposite sex, and your only choice is to affirm that or he'll die by suicide.
Parents need to hear another tune. I'm not a great writer but perhaps I have what to offer them. And thats why I am returning to blogging.
My son is 7. There is a long way to go to know how he will turn out as an adult. I don't know how well my uncharted path will help him or hurt him. All parents make mistakes; so will I; but so far, my approach seems to have been helpful. As I've said, he is a happy child, socially well integrated, plays with both boys and girls, has androgynous interests, although i do think he leans somewhat more, towards the girls and their activities. Last but not least he seems to be if not fully comfortable, at least not uncomfortable in his male body, which is an improvement over the past.
I try very hard to strike a balance between educating him in accordance with my beliefs, values, and even just my plain ol' feelings, vs. indoctrinating him. I share my stuff, and try to make a space for him to develop his own, whether in accordance with mine, or not. It's not always simple, but thats true regarding every topic, not just this one.
For example, I don't think he looks beautiful to me when he plays dress up as a princess. I used to pretend I do, but I don't want to lie to him. But, I don't present it as objective fact. I present it as my personal opinion, that I think boys look better wearing boys stuff, but that everyone has different tastes and whats most important is that he likes the way he looks, not whether I or anyone else likes it. Of course I always have, and always will refer to him as my beautiful boy, my gorgeous boy. Yes boys are beautiful too, just the way they are!
I won't associate any personality traits with being a boy or a girl. For example, my son is very non aggressive. He will run away from a fight and won't fight back. Now fighting is a very important skill for boys because otherwise they may be bullied in school or in the playground. (for girls, bullying often takes more verbal forms). So I try to teach him a bit how to fight. Ironically, his dad doesn't agree with me on this. His dad expects the adults in his life, teachers etc to protect him from bullying, but I know that they can't be counted on. Anyway, i never tell him that he has to fight because he's not an acceptable boy if he can't fight. I tell him that its a useful skill for him to learn, like arithmetic. I guess that message is reinforced by the fact that its his mom and not his dad teaching him to fight!
But, I'm only his mom, I'm not his whole environment, and sooner or later he's sure to notice that its the boys who are mostly engaging in the physical fighting thing. I hope he doesn't come to the conclusion that being a boy is what exposes him to violence. The emotional impact of this impression early on in life, may not dissipate when he's older and he understands the violence and crap that women face.
More later.
The trigger for me to return to blogging about my son, and how he resolves his gender dissatisfaction, was a new book that came out, called growing with my child, or some such, by Mimi Lemay. I didn't even read the book, just and excerpt, but I sure debated about it on facebook.
It seems that books or articles such as these are coming out these days a dime a dozen; and they all sing the same tune: A child who wants to be the opposite sex actually is the opposite sex, and your only choice is to affirm that or he'll die by suicide.
Parents need to hear another tune. I'm not a great writer but perhaps I have what to offer them. And thats why I am returning to blogging.
My son is 7. There is a long way to go to know how he will turn out as an adult. I don't know how well my uncharted path will help him or hurt him. All parents make mistakes; so will I; but so far, my approach seems to have been helpful. As I've said, he is a happy child, socially well integrated, plays with both boys and girls, has androgynous interests, although i do think he leans somewhat more, towards the girls and their activities. Last but not least he seems to be if not fully comfortable, at least not uncomfortable in his male body, which is an improvement over the past.
I try very hard to strike a balance between educating him in accordance with my beliefs, values, and even just my plain ol' feelings, vs. indoctrinating him. I share my stuff, and try to make a space for him to develop his own, whether in accordance with mine, or not. It's not always simple, but thats true regarding every topic, not just this one.
For example, I don't think he looks beautiful to me when he plays dress up as a princess. I used to pretend I do, but I don't want to lie to him. But, I don't present it as objective fact. I present it as my personal opinion, that I think boys look better wearing boys stuff, but that everyone has different tastes and whats most important is that he likes the way he looks, not whether I or anyone else likes it. Of course I always have, and always will refer to him as my beautiful boy, my gorgeous boy. Yes boys are beautiful too, just the way they are!
I won't associate any personality traits with being a boy or a girl. For example, my son is very non aggressive. He will run away from a fight and won't fight back. Now fighting is a very important skill for boys because otherwise they may be bullied in school or in the playground. (for girls, bullying often takes more verbal forms). So I try to teach him a bit how to fight. Ironically, his dad doesn't agree with me on this. His dad expects the adults in his life, teachers etc to protect him from bullying, but I know that they can't be counted on. Anyway, i never tell him that he has to fight because he's not an acceptable boy if he can't fight. I tell him that its a useful skill for him to learn, like arithmetic. I guess that message is reinforced by the fact that its his mom and not his dad teaching him to fight!
But, I'm only his mom, I'm not his whole environment, and sooner or later he's sure to notice that its the boys who are mostly engaging in the physical fighting thing. I hope he doesn't come to the conclusion that being a boy is what exposes him to violence. The emotional impact of this impression early on in life, may not dissipate when he's older and he understands the violence and crap that women face.
More later.
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