the sibling connection

This is a very long article with lots of food for thought. I'm only commenting on one, relatively minor piece of it:

 "Separation from the mother is an important part of the infant’s psychological development. However, the psychological and physical separation can be experienced as trauma. This in turn can lead to either a wish to possess the mother in some way, or a grievance toward the mother, as the infant finds it hard to give up the ideal relationship represented by the primary maternal preoccupation. In a recent paper entitled Time and the Garden of Eden Illusion, psychoanalyst John Steiner describes the common fantasy of returning to an imaginary, idealized relationship with one’s mother.....  American-Canadian sexologist Ray Blanchard coined the term autogynephilia to describe a male’s propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female. But even in cases where such sexualized impulses are absent, a trans woman may be impelled by a desire to establish a self-embodied replacement for a mother (or mother figure). "

I always used to avoid these psychoanalytic theories that pin so much of everything on the infant's relationship with its mother. But this one just seemed so true to me!

As best as I recall, D's awareness of the existence of two sexes occured not long after his brother was born (there is a 3 year difference between them), an incident which definitely changed my relationship with D.- and not for the better.  Beforehand we were in an exclusive love affair, afterwords he had to share not only my affection but also my time and practical availability. And I have to admit, I was so physically and emotionally depleted, I didn't have enough love for either of them. Beforehand, he was my precious baby who could do no wrong; if he was naughty i could only laugh. Afterwards, I'd get annoyed with him, I had so little patience.

D. always loved glittery, beautiful, and in particular twirly things, since before he was two years old. But he didn't associate it with being a girl and I am not even sure he knew then what a girl was. That itself had nothing to do with the baby. But perhaps the longing for femininity did, had to do with losing me.

I sympathize, because I am also a displaced elder child, with a sibling close in age, and I also developed a mild case of gender dysphoria, which eventually resolved on its own, with a little help from exposure to feminism. My sibling is male; an older daughter losing her place to a more privileged brother, particularly in the conservative society I was raised. No surprise there. But in my case it didn't have to do with mother bonding- quite the opposite, for many years I felt mother aversion.

Perhaps two sides of the same coin.